On a work-related note, we finished our on-the-job-training and are on our own!! We started with six days on at the same cottage and it got quite tiring towards the end. While it was a struggle with all the limit-testing, routine-figuring-outting, and boys just being boys... we think we are slowly, but surely getting the hang of things.
So what if I forgot to dispense meds or Michael forgot a van run? The world didn't end (thankfully) and we have learned some pretty valuable lessons!
My PMS worked in my favor this last rotation. It was my personal switching point from passive observer who addressed overt behaviors, to identifying my personal tolerances and lowering them to anything that has a tinge of disrespect. I can get over a kid manipulating my lack of wisdom surrounding snack time and getting two bags of chips, but I will not stand for racist comments or blatant disrespect. BAM! That just happened... It felt good and empowering. Almost like my personal tolerances had become so high between allowing people to treat me poorly most of my life, not having a system of discipline at the school where I worked, and feeling like there wasn't much I could do about either... It was good to reclaim respect for myself and provide and encourage good boundaries and expectations of behavior for the boys.
I heard the song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real and man did it hit a chord... check out these lyrics:
"I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying,
"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone..."
It was the perfect reminder moving forward that Michael and I are leaders to these boys, that are still children in so many ways. I've heard research that says for every trauma that has happened in your life, you regress 5-7 years. I know, because I've read their files, these boys have dealt with multiple traumas (to put it lightly), which makes them little boys in mens' bodies. Forced to grow and be strong and never given the chance to just carelessly enjoy childhood. God love 'em.
This is our last day off. We begin another 6-day rotation tomorrow. Three days at one cottage, followed by three days at a different cottage should help. Six days at one cottage was a long stint. For now, Michael has a surprise for my birthday and I think he's just about ready. :-)
Oh, and here's another little thing that is kinda silly but really means the world to me- So at the dining hall each night, the cottages all sit at their own tables, so there is no intermingling. Afterwards, when everyone cleans up, you bump into the other cottages to chat and whatnot. Well... we always heard the kids asking other staff, "When are you coming back to work at our cottage?" I always was jealous... just a little bit. I wanted the kids to want us around... Well... it happened!! I went to the Rec Center the one day and one of the boys from the other cottage asked when I was coming back because he really needed help with Algebra I!!! Yay!! AND!! Two boys asked when we were coming back at the dining hall, which just made my heart melt and leap for joy at the same time!! :-) It really meant a lot. That alone will keep me going for quite some time. Haha... Not to mention, the dining hall is some crazy sort of "Keeping Up with the Jones'" nightmare. Everybody is watching everybody else, it's kinda hostile and it's not very welcoming... So, when a kid says that and it's overheard, it's a big deal. :-)
Hopefully updates won't be as few and far between!!
Love and God Bless,
Lena
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